Kleiland
by Klei
Summary: Parody crackfic of original country fanfiction. This, everyone, is the inspiring tale of how Klei's sofa was recognized as a country independent of the United States. VIVA LA RESISTANCE! Or something... Your IQ will drop at least 70 points reading this.


**A/N**

**Klei: **Argh! I have read one made-up country fic too many! –shiver- I may have written _What is This I Don't Even _(tentacle porn),_ Always Eat Your Vegetables _(lettuce porn),_ Monster Lovin' _(monster porn),_ Death is Cheap _(death porn), and _Barbs _(kitty porn), but I have STANDARDS.

**England: **Honestly, I think we ALL would have preferred an OC country fic from you… Those were all horrid!

**Klei: **Oh, come now…

**England: **I could have forgiven _What Is This I Don't Even _because it was just one fic…

**Klei:** …just because I enjoy tormenting particularly derp-y characters…

**England: **But after _Always Eat Your Vegetables?_

**Klei: **…doesn't mean I'd write something as God-awful as an OC country fic!

**England: **I think _Barbs _was the final straw…

**Klei: **…Hang on, I just got an idea for an OC country fic!

**England: **No, no, no, no, NO! I still can't get America out of his room after your last fanfiction!

**America: **-still sobbing quietly-

**Klei: **Too late. :D

**England: **NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

* * *

><p>"So… Uh, let's see here…" America murmured, looking down at a clipboard. "You… You want recognition as a personification, independent from the United States."<p>

Klei nodded. "Yep."

"You. A human."

"What part of 'yep' don't you understand?" Klei scoffed from the sofa, typing away on her laptop.

"Rrrrrrright…" said America, giving her an odd look and scribbling something down on the clipboard. "Uh, and… The reason for this decision?"

"Taxes."

"What?"

"Taxes," Klei repeated, not bothering to so much lift her head away from the video she was watching on Youtube. "Geez, you really are dumb, aren't you?"

America's eye twitched. "What _about _the taxes?"

"Healthcare."

"What?"

"I don't like this country's healthcare system!" she snapped at him, before clicking to a new tab. "It pisses me off!"

"What about the healthcare system? Is this before or after the change?" He wasn't used to having to chase down information. Usually it was the other way around. But, well, he supposed his people could be even worse about specifics than he was.

"What does it matter? I don't like it."

America coughed. "So, umm, you're saying you don't like either system?"

Klei rolled her eyes. "I'm saying I don't like this country's healthcare! Why can't you understand that?"

"So, the healthcare itself? Like, doctor quality?"

"No! For the last time!" Klei hissed, finally looking up from her post on a forum. "I don't like the healthcare system!"

"But there has to be a reason you don't like it!" America insisted. "I mean, it's-"

"I. Don't. Like. It."

America exhaled. No use beating a dead horse. "So… In that case, who else is taking part in this revolution of yours?"

"No one."

"I'm sorry?"

"No one. Just me," Klei replied flatly.

America, for all his lack of common sense, couldn't help but recognize a pretty big flaw there. "You can't be a country of one person!"

"Sure I can! Who says I can't?"

He opened his mouth to respond, before quickly pulling out his phone and making a quick search on the internet. Surely the dictionary would say something! "Aha, here it is! 'Country; a state or a nation,' " he read.

"My nation consists of one."

America shook his head. "You have to have a population."

Klei sighed. "Fine, then." She lifted up the computer. "This is Henry. He lives here with me."

"That's a _computer."_

"No, it's a computer-shaped human being. He suffered from locked-in syndrome in his old body, you see," she explained. "So we transplanted his consciousness into a computer. I assure you that though he is incapable of responding as of yet, he is, in fact, fully sentient."

The personification deadpanned. "That's not even possible!"

Klei scoffed. "Not possible for YOU, you mean, because you have shitty healthcare. We here in the country of Kleiland have awesome healthcare. We can do awesome things."

"Fine, then, whatever!" America groaned. "What about the medical records?"

"Kleiland has no medical records."

"What kind of a country doesn't have medical records for something so important?" America cried.

Klei gasped. "Oh my God! As the representative of Kleiland, I must say I am terribly offended! How dare you insult the Kleilite way of life? Racist!"

"Wait, what?"

"RACIST!"

"You're American, and Caucasian, at that!"

"I'm Kleilite, not one of you stupid Americans."

America blinked. "Huh?"

Klei laughed in response. "See? I'm not American anymore, so I can say stuff like that without being one of those self-loathing 'we suck' people who only say it because they're trying to be hip on the interwebs." Before America could respond, she continued; "Anyway, my demands are pretty simple. I want four by five recognized as Kleilite territory."

"Four by five what? Miles?"

"No, feet, silly!"

America glanced downwards. "That's… That's only about as big as the sofa you're sitting on."

"Yep."

"…You do realize that, if I DID decide to give in to these 'demands' of yours, that you would be deemed an illegal alien if you decided to get off that couch, right?"

"Yep."

"So what you're saying is that you want to stay on that couch the whole of your life."

"Nnnnnn- oh, wait, yep."

"With that computer."

"Yep."

There was a brief silence between them while Klei checked her email.

"The cord. It extends past the area of the sofa."

Klei paused and glanced over at the laptop cord in question. "So it does… Make that six by eight feet, then."

America facepalmed. "How do you intend to pay the electric bills?"

"I should be done converting to hamster-based energy by tomorrow," Klei replied.

"Aaaaaaand food?"

"I'll order something from Pizza Hut. Haven't you ever heard of imports?"

"Water?"

"I'll dig for it."

America's eye twitched. "Without a shovel?"

"We here in Kleiland are very self-sufficient," Klei replied, giving him a thumbs-up. "Well, if that's all…"

"No, no, no!" America insisted. "You… Money! How do you intend to pay for all this?"

Klei thought for a moment, before tearing a hole in the sofa and pulling out a wad of cotton. "This is a Kleillar. One of these is equal to one thousand American dollars."

"You can't just DECIDE what the conversion rate is! You have to take into account how many of those there are compared to how much of my currency exists!" America snapped, quickly losing his temper.

"Aha, so you admit that we're separate entities!"

"I… You…" America began, only to facepalm again. "You still need to settle on a better conversion rate!"

"Considering there's only a sofa full of these cotton balls," Klei reasoned, "while there are trillions of American dollars in existence… I'd say each one of these is worth quite a lot of your money."

Fuck. He was sure there were more issues, but… At that point in time, he couldn't think of any, and honestly, he didn't care. "Fuck this, whatever! I'm going to bed. Keep your fucking 'Kleiland' for all I care."

"Okie dokie!"

And that was how Klei's sofa became recognized as an official country. The end.

* * *

><p><strong>AN**

**England: **…What the FUCK was that?

**Klei: **I… I don't know, honestly.

**America: **Oh, there's an easy solution to this. I'll just declare war on-

**England: **NO. No more wars for you, young man.

**America: **B-but she's just one-

**England: **NO.

**America: **Oh my GOD. You're RUINING my LIFE!

**England: **Oh, don't even start with the attitude!

**Klei: **It's like a sitcom! Only better! -noms popcorn-


End file.
